PicoBlog

Rookies, it’s been a minute. I hope everything is copacetic.  

Over the last year or so, I’ve asked myself the question “what am I doing?” a fair few times. Am I making the right move? Should this feel like this? I’ve dreamed of this moment, how come it doesn’t feel so good? I used to love doing this, why doesn't it hit the same? Maybe I’ll achieve the rest of my dreams and they’ll all feel as empty? What if I fumble the bag and let everyone down? Am I really built for this? Where’s the old T gone? Will I ever get the hunger back? Does any of this even matter? Those doubts began to spiral into despair, and probably into something I’ve been refusing to call depression.

What inspired it? I’m not completely sure, another unanswered question. The strangest thing is these thoughts have coincided with many incredible moments, things that had once been dreams logged in my iPhone notes and goals scribbled in my journals. These thoughts came at a time. They coincide with a period of my life that should have been a victory lap of the culmination of a decade of hard work, and a key moment to sow seeds for the next decade. They coincided with me befriending people and occupying spaces I thought would never happen. The hardest part was people being their most proud of me when I had never felt less deserving. 

At around 3 am this morning, after another long day of achieving nothing, I found myself asking “what am I doing?” once again. I’d love to write a victorious post about how I overcame the panic attacks and lack of drive. Unfortunately, I’m very much still in the trenches, figuring out a way to fight my way home. This time, the phrase was followed by “I’m doing me”. I’m not sure what led me to think of the Drake song, Over, which I have not listened to in a while but it came to mind. It’s the second Drake song I ever heard, back when my parents didn’t let us listen to popular music and it’s still one of my favourites. 

Immediately, I put my headphones on and listened to the song. For some reason, it possessed me to sit down and start writing at 4:14 am. I have no particular goal for this piece, I’m simply aiming to break inertia and get some momentum. Much like ‘Over’ being one of the first songs that ignited my love for rap music and its hustle, writing is my first love. Writing and selling, are my things and neither has caused me any joy for a while. Even the gym isn’t doing it. This is the most uncomfortable thing I’ve probably had to write, but I have a strange sense of calm which is a good sign. I’ve tried to write a fair bit over the last few months but it didn’t feel right and I didn’t have the time to publish what I was feeling in real-time. I think I’ll only publish this one to prove to myself that I can still complete things.

Drake begins by remarking “I know way too many people here right now that I didn't know last year, who the **** are y'all? I swear it feels like the last few nights we've been everywhere and back but I just can't remember it all”. Relatable. It’s been great to get access to new spaces and new people but if there’s anything I’ve learnt, there is nothing like your day ones. People who have been there when they didn't have to and one of the hardest parts of this period is not showing up for these people, because I didn't want them to see me when I’m ‘weak’. I also think that’s why I haven't been writing, I feel vastly unqualified to be giving any game. I let a lot of people down and balls drop in this period and it's my responsibility to rectify them. 

“I'm living life right now, man, and this what I'mma do 'til it's over.” I honestly forgot the song said this. 

Me to Me: “What am I doing?

*unaware* Drake to me: you’re living life right now man.

Thanks, Drake. It’s an almost underwhelmingly obvious statement. Nobel Prize for Profoundness… but it hit. Life is short. Any breath can be your last. You can die tomorrow. You have a limited amount of time and you don’t know how much, might as well try to allocate it well, rather than lie in bed saying woe is me, Might as well maximise every second. Might as well strive to leave a legacy. Might as well bang goals till the referee blows the whistle, not refuse to get on the pitch because the game is meaningless and will end in 90 mins anyway. This is not me minimising the realities of depression and anxiety, you don’t suddenly wake up and find a solution or magically cure it with positivity. However, for me, the conclusion is I cannot keep living like this and the only viable other option is to get back to the game, in more sustainable ways. With more gratitude. With more consideration for the small wins. With even bigger aspirations for impact. I’m living life right now man and that’s what Ima do till it’s over, and luckily as Drake says, it’s (God willing) far from over.  

A key part of this equation is Drake’s statement, “I’m doing me.” The pursuit of growth, challenge and actualisation. Doing things I never thought was possible. Stretching my limits. Living out my values, making my vision a reality and committing to my mission. Doing it my way, no one else’s, and trusting my intuition. Seeking things that give me fulfilment and joy. Learning more about myself. Doing this not to prove any points to anyone, just for the hell of it. Ok, a little bit of cap; I’ve always loved the line “Point the biggest sceptic out, I'll make him a believer.” Competition and ‘I told you so” will always be part of me but most importantly, is a sense of meaning, personal pride, joy and impact attached to the process itself, not the point that is proven or the people it impresses. Maybe a better question than “what am I doing?” is “Why am I doing this?” Because I still want to do great things. I still want to create moments I can be proud of. I still want to leave a legacy my family and community can be proud of. I want to make a difference in just one person’s life. I still want to make impact on the continent I come from. I want to see how far I can go, how elite I can be. I want to take risks no one else would. I want to push the barriers of possibilities. I want to inspire others to do the same. I want to give generously to causes I care about. I want to die empty. I want to be an example of what God can use a man to do. I want to do me.

“Man, they treat me like a legend, am I really this cold? I'm really too young to be feeling this old…” A line I said to myself many times over the past months, whilst forgetting which song it came from. The burdens of responsibility, the discomfort of chasing greatness. Leading is difficult and calling the shots is not as fun as it looks. I definitely feel like I’m 50, not in my early twenties. Balancing work and play has been tough and a balance I haven’t perfected but one thing is for sure, I’ll be savouring youth. I will do my best to not rush the process of time. Embrace being periodically broke, embrace not knowing where you’re going. It’s all coming with time. The work must be done but we’ll find time to enjoy it, guilt-free. I have always loved the Rick Ross quote, “Life is short! Go harder than you did last year! Whatever you thought you did in the past wasn’t enough! Go hard and find a way to enjoy it even more!”

Drake says “Never drop the ball, **** is y'all thinkin'?” This is all rap bravado, don’t fall for it. Falling for this kind of thinking is probably the root of much of my recent woes. I froze when I didn't know how to do something, I didn't know how to ask for help. Not perfection, not necessarily being legendary yet. I recently turned 23, I’m far from a made man. A little pressure is good, too much and you implode. This won't be the last time I drop the ball, might as well make peace with it. Objectively, I’m doing pretty well. I’m not expected to be perfect and I never will be. As Drake says, it’s far from over. I’m only getting better. I’m good, don’t worry about me. Cries for help are valid, they’re just not me. This wasn't written to inspire any check-in texts or elicit sympathy. Instead, if there is anything I want anyone to take away from this post, is that you are not alone and you are not a failure. There is no need to feel ashamed and waking up every day and facing the day is something to be immensely proud of. Life is not easy. I feared writing about depression and making mistakes because I thought it might signal weakness and unreliability and to have that in the public domain would reduce opportunities or make people less likely to follow me in the future. However, I’ve learnt so much from and have immense respect for close friends and online content creators who have chosen to share their experience with mental health and feel it’s only right to pay it forward. You’ll be surprised with most of the successful people around you, they’re often going through it too. I’ve always prided myself on doing the contrarian thing and taking outrageous risks, so here is time to take the first of many in a while. I’ve written about making money, physical fitness and studying and those are all important. I’d be doing you the greatest disservice of all by not writing about mental and spiritual well being, which underpin everything. If I've ever inspired anyone in my strength, I hope I inspire in my weakness.

“If you thinkin' I'mma quit before I die, dream on…. It's about time you admit it, who you kiddin'? And nobody's ever done it like I did it” RookieSzn is still in session. We go again, ring chasing!

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