PicoBlog

You might find it easier to walk on the moon than pass through the glowering doors of White’s Gentlemen’s Club in London (Anthony O’Neill, geograph)

Here’s a confession. I’ve always wanted to be a member of a private club, ‘gentleman’s’ or otherwise.

It’s the thought of sitting in a nice comfortable chair, in peace and quiet; just me and my newspaper with, perhaps, a plate of sandwiches and a drink at my side. No phone calls, no E Mails, no incessant chatter or extraneous noise (other than, perhaps, the ticking of an ancient wall clock) from anyone or anything.

What bliss.

‘Well look here, it say’s women can vote now? Tut tut and dash it all chaps’ (Shutterstock)

I can, of course, mimic those conditions a little by disconnecting the phone and barricading myself into my living room. Although having to get my own food and drink first would be a bit of a drag.

But I’d prefer all of that to being a member of Whites Gentlemen’s Club in London though. Because there’ll be little of that much desired peace and quiet there. The testosterone is rumoured to run so thick within its hallowed walls, that the place is positively dripping with it as the well heeled and even more well connected use it as a bolthole to let off a little of that steam that they always seem to possess in abundance-and usually by means of a little debauchery.

No thanks.

I’d rather settle down with a good book. White’s, which was founded back in 1693 had its origins as Chocolate and Tea Parlour which immediately gives it a little bit of a genteel image, all clinking china cups and protruding pinkies.

Wonder if they do Scotch here? (Shutterstock)

But that didn’t last for long. It soon became the favourite haunt of the prominent men of the day (ironic how it is labelled as a club for ‘gentlemen’ when, in truth, I’d guess that hardly any of its members in the subsequent 300 years or so fitted that description in any shape or form), who were able to secure their membership and the utter discretion that went with it via their social standing rather than how much money they had in the bank.

Eton and Oxbridge, Sir? That’ll do nicely.

The club’s current members are rumoured to include the present monarch as well as his oldest son. Former PM David Cameron was also able to swing membership, helped, no doubt by the fact that Daddy (Ian Cameron) had been a former club chairman. Not that he was a member for very long, as Cameron junior resigned his membership in 2008 in retaliation for the club continuing its policy of not permitting women onto the premises

A sensible decision-but one that may have been taken in protest at the fact he couldn’t be accompanied into White’s by his Nanny.

Probably best not to ask them if they have a dartboard (Shutterstock)

Women have, on occasion, been allowed past the door with the late Queen Elizabeth II doing exceptionally well in that regard, having been invited twice, in 1991 and 2016.

But that was pretty much as far as it went until a group of female protesters then chanced their arms and tried to storm the door in order to gain access in 2018 only to find themselves removed and deposited on the pavement outside, accompanied, no doubt, by a chorus of indignant harrumphing by the dusty old men inside the club at the time.

You or I won’t be allowed in either of course, but, should you wish to gaze upon its formidable façade, make your way to 37-38 St James’s Street in the City of Westminster and look for the Grade I listed building with the Palladian façade.

White’s consists of five storeys in total, three of which are dedicated for the use of its members. It does not provide any sort of overnight accommodation for them but does boast a members dining room, a billiards room and a card room and yes, they have a room that has been set aside for a few hands of whist after dinner.

Applying for membership of White’s is, as you’d expect, a laborious process.

A potential applicant requires a proposer and two seconders, all of whom are, of course, established and respected members of the club. Once this has been done, said application is left in a book in which other members can, if they wish, add their names in support of the would be member. Once that list has reached a certain number, estimated to be between 35 to 40, the application process is speeded up and references are taken up with, it seems, the major quality desired being whether or not the person in question is a ‘good chap’.

If it transpires that he most certainly is then membership is, eventually, granted, usually for life unless some deep and wicked transgression (asking where the ‘toilet’ is, for example, rather than the ‘loo’) is found to have been carried out.

An application for membership cannot be proposed or seconded by the prospective members Father either.

But then who’d want to go out for a good nights quaffing only to see their squiffy Dad propping up the bar moaning about the cricket?

Me?

I think I’ll just buy a second hand leather armchair, stick it in a corner of my living room and lock the front door.

Ed’s Club. Membership of one.

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