PicoBlog

In my twenties, all of my friends were in pseudo-relationships with men who were “afraid of commitment.” They all watched Sex & the City (which is and was one of the best ways to learn, internalize, and normalize a host of destructive relationship norms), which furthered their commitment that commitment phobia in men is normal, and that every woman’s goal should be to get a man to commit at any cost.

It was disturbing. I watched these women—all beautiful, talented, brilliant—pursue mediocre men, desperate to get the men to commit to a lifetime of the shitty treatment they offered.

Now that I’m in my thirties, half of those women are married to the commitment phobes they so desperately wanted to be with. The marriages are bad, and my friends are trying mightily to get out. The other half have left their bad marriages, only to yet again pursue relationships with men who claim commitment phobia.

How do you make someone see that a relationship is only worthwhile if both people want to be in it?

It’s the question I’ve been asking myself for nearly 20 years, and I’ve gotten no closer to answering it.

I recently wrote about how a pursuit dynamic in a relationship is a warning sign of future abuse. I thought this piece thoroughly addressed the self-proclaimed commitment-phobe. To my surprise, though, lots of people followed up with the same question:

“But is it worth pursuing a relationship with someone who is afraid of commitment because of trauma?”

Only if you don’t want a commitment and are ok with a relationship where you’re always giving, always pursuing, and the other person has made clear that they’re neither willing nor able to be with you.

So, no.

One of the most basic steps on the journey toward no longer settling in relationships, toward fully valuing yourself, toward cherishing your one and only life by protecting your time, is to get out at the first sign of this commitment phobia bullshit.

Here’s what commitment phobia often sounds like from men:

• claims of prior trauma

• insisting that he doesn’t trust women because his divorce was so bad

• saying he’s going to leave his wife/girlfriend soon

• telling you how much he loves you, but insisting that he’s “scared”

• telling you his commitment phobia is a sign of how much he loves you

But in many cases, he doesn’t tell you much at all. Because commitment phobic men rely on the culture to do the work for them. So women have learned that commitment phobia is normal, and that they should pursue men until they relent. They make excuses for men. They romanticize the refusal to commit. “Oh, he’s just a sweet little injured bird.” “Oh, he just loves so intensely that it scares him.” “He’s just trying to prioritize this other thing that matters because he’s such a good person. I’m sure I’ll come next.”

Nope to all of it.

He will give you whatever reason or excuse he thinks will most appeal to you. Because fundamentally, commitment phobia isn’t a mental health problem or relationship style. It is a tool of manipulation.

Here’s one of the most important pieces of relationship advice I give:

The reason for a man’s bad behavior does not matter.

You are not a testing ground for someone’s self-improvement project. You deserve the best possible relationship right now. If someone cannot give you what they need, you do not need to accommodate them. You’re under no obligation to give someone a chance, and putting up with bad behavior early in the relationship almost guarantees it will accelerate later on.

You deserve to put yourself at the center of your story. Rather than asking, “What is the reason for his behavior? Could his behavior be justified? Could he deserve a chance?” Try asking yourself, “What do I deserve?”

Infatuation is powerful. It feels good to be liked. And intermittent reinforcement is a uniquely addictive force. If a man loves you, then leaves, then loves you again, he can easily get you hooked. The ramblings of some feminist on the Internet, the word of your friends, some gentle prodding from your family…none of these things are likely enough to pierce the veil of infatuation when you’re under it.

So let me just remind you: Men kill women. They take their children. And a bad marriage can destroy your life. If you have children with a man, you will be stuck with him until they are adults, and he can continue to abuse you through them even if you leave him. None of that is worth the dopamine rush you’re getting now.

Here’s why commitment phobia—that annoying characteristic that novels romanticize and movies trivialize, and that we all treat as an inevitable aspect of heterosexual coupled life—is a lot more dangerous than it seems:

People invest in the things they value. Men are taught, from birth, to devalue women and children. In spite of this, marriage, commitment, and kids all disadvantage women, not men. If a man already devalues these things before even getting them, he is not going to invest in them.

You’re starting your relationship on unequal footing. And that inequality is going to multiply with time.

If he ever does commit, he’s going to expect something in return—more than even the typical low value man expects in the typical garbage heterosexual relationship.

And then, one of two things will happen:

Either you’ll spend the rest of the relationship trying to prove that you deserve him, pursuing him, grateful to him for committing, or you’ll expect to eventually stop having to prove your worth.

In the first scenario, household labor inequality, emotional neglect, and other forms of abuse are inevitable. And of course, men enforce these benefits with the subtle (and not-so-subtle) threat of violence.

In the second scenario, you’re in significant danger because your partner will expect you to compensate you for his “sacrifice” of commitment. And if you don’t? Sure, he might leave, but most men become abusive before just leaving. He’ll devalue you to try to get you to do what he wants (because that’s what he did at the beginning of the relationship, and it worked).

You are establishing norms for your relationship now. Your partner (or prospective partner) is learning what you will tolerate, learning how to get what he wants.

Do you really want to teach him that he should expect you to give more, and in return, he should give little or nothing?

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