PicoBlog

Have you ever asked yourself the same question? I’m guessing I’m very much not alone in this…

I’m currently reading the brilliant Strong Female Character by Fern Brady about her experiences, as an autistic person, growing up and living in a neurotypical world.

And while I am not autistic (as far as I know!) and while my life has certainly been far less challenging (bar the anxiety and panic attacks) I can relate to some of the social awkwardness that Fern writes about.

In fact, I imagine many of us can. It’s just something that’s a bit embarrassing to admit. Especially when we create all manner of planned scenarios in order to pretend we are *not* socially awkward.

To many people I don’t seem at all socially awkward. I probably come across as confident in many situations. I can stand up on a stage and address a room of people. And I love socialising (in the right contexts, that is). But there’s a lot that goes on inside, behind the scenes, in an attempt to cover up my shortcomings and anxieties...

Being made redundant at the start of lockdown was the best thing that ever happened to me. Why? Because I no longer have to contend with office politics, etiquette and the horror that is deciding whether or not it’s OK to sit next to somebody for lunch in the office kitchen.

You see, I’ve never felt very popular in the workplace. And there is certainly evidence to support this. I remember two people complaining about me because I sent too many emails to one of them and I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. If I had sent too many emails, why did it provoke such anger towards me?

Prior to this happening, four of us were going on a trip to London to interview some media supplier or something. I couldn’t bear the idea of imposing my unwanted unbearable company on them on the train. So I arranged my travel separately - booking an earlier train, and then a later train, to avoid any awkwardness. Plus, as soon as I got to King’s Cross I headed to Waitrose and bought myself lunch. This avoided any potential imposition on their lunch break when they might feel compelled to ask me to join them.

I was having therapy around this time too due to my social anxiety. My counsellor suggested I just invite people for lunch, or just join them for a coffee in the kitchen and make conversation. That I needed to try. But, while there were colleagues I certainly became close to, there were more who I believed couldn’t bear my presence.

Looking back it’s been the same in most offices. There were a couple of people I was close to, but on the whole, I felt like I didn’t fit in. I had embarrassing moments when, upon leaving a job, a night out was arranged and literally only two people came out with me. Or when somebody bought everyone in the office a thank you gift for a project we all worked on except me and one other person. I was completely ignorant (and still am) as to what I did or didn’t do right…

Thinking about it takes me back to those 1980s McDonalds birthday parties when all the girls broke away and did girl chatter and stuff and I was left with the boys. Which was fine, I was a bit of a tomboy, but I couldn’t understand why the girls didn’t let me in.

Clearly, I was doing something wrong. I had to be. But still to this day I don’t know what it is.

I remember asking a line manager her views once. We got on brilliantly and she said that sometimes I could be loud and excitable, whereas other colleagues might be quietly getting on with their work. I knew that my excitement would compel me to interrupt their flow. I totally get that. But then you think, why didn’t somebody just say? Am I selfish and self-important, or do I just get lost in excitability?

And is the idea of me being ‘compelled’ just an excuse for rude behaviour?

On a more serious front, I’ve experienced quite significant workplace bullying on two occasions. When it happens to you more than once you do start to wonder - is it me? And the answer to that is complex because in some ways it absolutely *is* you. But that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Just that you don’t fit neatly into some dynamic that others do. And perhaps you speak your mind too frequently (I often ran into trouble for that one).

And of course, the other reason for this is that some people are just c**ts.

On the second occasion there were definitely issues with my social media and writing/blogging. I became a bit relentless promoting my books and blogs. But I never thought I was a bad person. Just, again, over excitable and overly focused on my mission.

But looking back I wonder if this had something to do with the bullying?

On both occasions I was struggling with severe anxiety at the time. On both occasions I had seen doctors and counsellors. On both occasions I was prescribed meds to support me and signed off sick. It was bad. I was unable to ride a bus to work without believing my throat was closing up. And I was sometimes unable to function at all - hiding in my bedroom from 5pm until morning (me, a grown adult and parent), ear plugs in, eye mask in place, pretending that the outside world didn’t exist.

But back in the workplace, even though I was taking antidepressants, attending therapy and popping beta blockers before meetings, I was accused of poor performance and taking time off to promote my own work.

This was categorically wrong. Because while I have no confidence in social situations, I know I’m very good at my job. And I knew that when I was off sick, I was a complete and utter mess unable to promote my own stuff.

So that really couldn’t have been the reason I was being bullied and left crying in the boss’ office before having to walk through the open plan floor with mascara and snot all down my face.

There were times I could focus on my work. But I couldn’t face meetings or staff get togethers - especially ones that involved team celebrations, awarding prizes to colleagues who had been brilliant in one way or another.

I knew I wouldn’t be awarded anything. Because I wasn’t popular. And I felt incredibly embarrassed that my social incompetence and unpopularity would have a spotlight shone on it in these moments. Already facing bullying by senior management, already struggling with anxiety and panic attacks and problems at home, I asked HR if I could avoid such team gatherings. Of course, they said.

One of the bullies had other ideas though and tracked me down by email and phone as I worked from home, chastising me for missing the session. It felt as though I was trapped.

I left within days - having already filed a significant formal complaint (you’ll hopefully be pleased to know.)

Just typing the word makes me break out into a sweat. That’s all I have to say on the matter. Small talk with strangers is my nemesis. It’s EXCRUCIATING.

Outside of work, I worry I can be a bit much, too. And it’s strange because, if I’m so worried about being a bit overbearing, why oh why do I relentlessly pursue people I don’t know asking them to read my book or share my tweet or watch a film clip I was involved in writing?

I have sent friend requests when someone has unfriended me because I thought it must be temporary because we got on so well. I have consistently retweeted my own tweets.

It’s like a compulsion (or is that just an excuse for bad behaviour again?). I stop and think. And sometimes that stops me from making the request. But other times I get this excitable ‘compulsion’ that just encourages me to do it. Even though it’s probably poor form and bad etiquette to do so.

I am trying to reign this one in.

I promise will not ask anyone I don’t know to share this blog post.

Of course, if there’s one thing that helps us socially awkward souls it’s booze. Or at least, we think it helps. There are certain situations in which I always drink too much. Going to a certain theatre is one. I don’t know why, but I think it’s because I am likely to know so many people there and have to make small talk that I think the only way through it is with alcohol. It helps with the confidence but makes the original problem worse. You worry you’re going to say awkward or embarrassing or uninteresting things so….you drink alcohol and make that nightmare far more likely to come true.

Weird.

I’m sure it’s no surprise to anyone if I tell you this social anxiety started when I was very young. I’d be too embarrassed to ask to go to the loo at school so I would sit with a full bladder until I was in literal stomach aching agony! And there was no way I was going to have a crap at school - so again, I waited until I was in pain then would say I was poorly, they’d ring my mum, she’d pick me up and I’d happily sit on the loo before feeling refreshed and enjoying what remained of the day in relative comfort.

I also have this weird obsessive thing that makes me believe that every embarrassing thing that happened in my presence was down to me. I can’t forget the time I went swimming with a friend’s family as a kid and we went in the baby pool where there were babies and toddlers and a floating turd. I decided it had to be me - even though it clearly wasn’t. But I still believed it. If someone farts I become obsessed that it’s me. If I have to stand up in a room I become obsessed that I’ve wet myself or shat myself or that I have period blood leaking through my jeans.

I am obsessed with the idea of having bad breath and BO. There was a line in a play once when I worked at a theatre company, something about not wanting to be downwind of someone. As the writer was known for writing observational comedy, I became convinced that this was inspired by me. That I needed to change my deodorant because I smelt so bad it was being written into plays.

And the idea of peeing my pants, even though I never have, has plagued me all my life. I went to the loo every single break time in school and used to have to run out of meetings because I thought I was going to wet myself.

I never did.

Being openly vulnerable is like a big release. Not of pee. But of anxiety and tension. Not pretending to be confident, not having to put on a front, not pretending to have self esteem. These things all help. Because you’re not trying to be something you’re not.

There are times I have ideas above my station - these are often linked to my professional endeavours. But socially, I know I am anxious and awkward and the more I tell people, weirdly, the more confident and comfortable I feel.

So I would definitely suggest trying that, if you haven’t already. Embrace your shyness. Forgive your awkwardness. And enjoy your quirks.

After all, in my opinion, it’s better to be marmite than vanilla.

Photo 1 by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

Photo 2 by George Pagan III on Unsplash

Photo 3 by Jas Min on Unsplash

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