PicoBlog

It’s one of the first pieces of advice women get when they complain about household labor inequality: Go to couples counseling (along, usually, with a recommendation to read “Fair Play.").

But therapy can’t fix people who don’t want to change. And it certainly isn’t going to fix anything if the therapist believes the problem isn’t actually a problem. In a sexist society, you’re more likely to get a therapist who blames you for household inequality than one who wants to fix it.

I know a lot of couples who have been in couples counseling for years. But I can’t name a single couple who went from significant inequality to significant equality after couples therapy. I bet you can’t either.

At this point, I have one question about therapy in unequal relationships: Why bother, when you can just move the fuck on?

The fundamental assumption of couples counseling is that the two partners have a shared goal—or that if they don’t, they’re going to work together to identify and work toward a shared goal. This is why counseling doesn’t work in abusive relationships: the partners have different goals, and relinquishing power is never on an abuser’s to-do list.

Most couples counselors understand this, and urge people in abusive relationships not to go to therapy. Therapy can empower the abuser, arming them with more language to diminish the severity of their abuse, and more ammunition to justify their abuse. The same therapists who understand that people in abusive relationships should avoid joint therapy still generally advise counseling for severely unequal ones.

These therapists cannot be trusted.

That’s because unequal relationships are inherently abusive. Counselors who fail to recognize this also fail to recognize the fundamental truths of household labor inequality:

• It is a deliberate choice, built upon men’s belief that women owe them more than they owe women.

• Women don’t cause it. And men know what’s happening. They’re not stupid.

• It robs women of years of their lives. And this matters because women’s lives matter.

A man buying his free time or sleep with his partner’s exhaustion is exploiting their partner. And unless he has a traumatic brain injury, dementia, or some other condition that renders them incapable of understanding the world around them, he knows exactly what he is doing. He sees his partner working when he doesn’t, feeding the baby when he sleeps, cleaning up after him. He knows that food comes from somewhere, that magic elves don’t clean the house, and it’s not fairies taking the kids to school each day. He presumably understands that Santa and the Tooth Fairy aren’t real, and that an actual human is buying gifts for the kids.

A therapist who sees this as anything less than a deliberate act of abuse lacks the skills necessary to intervene. At the core of the failure to acknowledge inequality as abuse is a failure to recognize the value of women’s time.

Therapists who don’t see this behavior as abusive also tend to blame the woman. And in so doing, they empower the man to persist in his abusive behavior.

One of the biggest mistakes people make when discussing household inequality is to pretend that if the woman just explains things to the man the right way, he’ll change. This approach fails to acknowledge that equality demands that men give things up.

Most men do not think they should have to give anything up for women. If you have any doubt, spend a little time on the manosphere or listening to self-described alpha bros, who are very clear that they see women’s sole role as service to men. They’re giving voice to what millions of men secretly think.

So the disincentive to change is massive. The odds of two partners facing household inequality with a shared agenda of true equality are basically zero. That’s because if your male partner really wanted equality, you would already have it. So if you don’t, he doesn’t—no matter what bullshit he tries to sell you about different standards, or how you’re never happy, or how being reminded that he’s oppressing you is actually an example of you oppressing him.

You’re entering therapy with someone whose goals are counter to your own. So all that’s going to happen in therapy is they’re going to gain more insight into your emotions, your needs, your weaknesses, so they can exploit those in the service of getting more free labor from you.

There’s another problem with going to therapy, too: The overwhelming majority of therapists are not feminists. So they’re going to share some of your partner’s shitty values. Your partner may get support for his bullshit in therapy. You’ll hear nonsense like:

• “A lot of men need sex before they can offer emotional intimacy, and a lot of women need emotional intimacy before they can offer sex.” Translation: your consent to sex doesn’t matter, and your reasons for not having sex don’t matter either. You owe him your body (and he owes you nothing).

• “He’s saying he feels criticized and judged over household labor. What’s that bringing up for you?” It’s bringing up the rage of a million women, because these are the bullshit excuses men use, and therapists should not credit him.

• “It sounds like he wants to feel good about himself, and can’t do more until he does. How does that make you feel?” OH I DON’T KNOW LIKE MAYBE A MOTHERFUCKER WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT CHILDREN NEED TO EAT TO LIVE SHOULD NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF.

He’ll get a ton of validation. You’ll get very little. And it’s very unlikely that the therapist will tell him the truth: his selfish ass needs to change right now because he’s exploiting and abusing the person he’s supposed to love.

Therapists are people just like you and me, and they internalize the values of the patriarchy, just like the rest of us. So most therapists just don’t believe that women’s time matters, or that household labor inequality (or related issues) are serious.

If you’re going to therapy, make sure you find someone who understands the severity of these issues and is willing to confront your husband with reality.

Otherwise, just get divorced.

Marriage can be good and lovely. It can be a tool for liberation, for mutual growth, for incredible joy. So if it’s not, why bother?

You get one life. Don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t care what you do with your life. And don’t waste the money you could spend on a divorce lawyer on a therapist who will waste even more of your life.

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