Why dont we kiss our friends?
The first time I saw two friends kiss was in Germany.
I was fifteen, spending the summer as an exchange student in the city of Hanover, and my host sister Fritzi and I had just arrived at her school for the morning. Teenagers streamed in and out of the various courtyards where groups of students were listening to iPods (remember those?) and chatting between bites of chocolate croissant.
Suddenly, Fritzi’s friend Henni appeared. She leaned in to kiss Fritzi’s cheek as they greeted each other. I knew about the European cheek kiss (or maybe it was the bisexual in me), so I wasn’t surprised. But then Lennart showed up, and I watched him do the same, and I felt myself pause. Was this Fritzi’s boyfriend? I wondered. Soon after, two other boys, Seppel and Johannes, arrived and the ritual continued.
It struck me then that I couldn’t be more wrong. No; these were all just friends. Their affection was platonic, not sexually charged. Clearly, there was nothing wrong with kissing a friend.
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In the United States, it’s rare to see friends greet each other with a kiss, especially friends of the same gender identity. Kisses, whether on the cheek or lips, are reserved for romantic partners, family, kids, and pets—friends are virtually off-limits.
If you search for an answer to this cultural phenomenon, you might come up empty-handed like me. It seems no one can really explain why kissing a baby or a grandmother is okay, but kissing a friend is not. These examples suggest kissing is not inherently sexual or romantic (in fact, it used to be holy). Many types of kisses are sexual and romantic, but some kisses are purely platonic, as well.
Why have we drawn the line where we have, and is it working for us?
Much of this stems from compulsory monogamy, the guiding principle of our Western culture, which tells us what is allowed and not allowed, what is normal and what is abnormal, when it comes to our relationships. In compulsory monogamy, couples are often downright obsessed with the concept of cheating, constantly making up rules to keep their partner in check. Rules like: you can’t hang out with a friend of the opposite gender, and especially not alone (how this works for queer people beats me). Or, in this case—you can’t kiss your friends. Not on the cheek! Not on the teeth! Not on the jaw! Not at all!
But affection is a vital part of being human. In fact, we require both love and affection to truly thrive. [Side note: I kinda think this is the whole point of being alive, but that’s a topic for another day.] And love and affection encompass much more than romantic and sexual intimacy.
Even before the pandemic hit, studies showed that Americans were experiencing unprecedented rates of loneliness—so much so that in 2017, former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy called loneliness a public-health “epidemic.” Today, people feel more disconnected from each other than ever, and while our lack of platonic intimacy may not be the cause of that disconnection, it’s definitely a contributing factor.
Touch-starved is a pretty accurate way to describe many Americans in 2023, especially in our pandemic-era. Being touch-starved, also called skin hunger or touch deprivation, happens when someone doesn’t get enough physical closeness to others. Since we tend to reserve most forms of touch for romantic partnerships, it can be difficult for a lot of people to adequately fill this need. A single person living alone may only experience touch in the form of a handshake when they meet someone new, or in the hug they share with a friend while getting coffee. Surely that isn’t enough for anyone.
The remedy seems simple: let’s kiss already! Let’s touch each other more! Let’s express our care for each other with our bodies! But gender norms also affect how one can ask for and receive this kind of touch without stigma.
For women, it’s more socially acceptable to kiss, cuddle, massage, hold hands, and play with your friend’s hair. Men, on the other hand, have trouble even hugging each other, and often resort to what my last boyfriend described as the “dab me up,” which involves a handshake or fist bump turning into a halfhearted, brief, one-armed embrace. Let’s not forget, studies show that men are the loneliest group out of the bunch. What’s a boy to do?
A male friend of mine once shared that he engaged in casual sex just to feel close to someone, and it broke my heart a little. He didn’t feel safe enough to ask his male friends to play with his hair or cuddle on the couch, and was cautious to ask his female friends to do the same, lest he make them uncomfortable or have his desires be misinterpreted as sexual.
Maybe heteros need to take a cue from the queer community. It’s much more common and acceptable for those of us who identify as queer to find ourselves kissing and cuddling with people we consider friends. We may never sleep together, but damn it if we don’t touch each other (consensually, of course). Because we’re already not following The Rules, it’s much easier for us to reimagine what intimacy looks like, what relationships can provide us, and how we want to show up for each other in all our various forms.
Admittedly, sometimes I feel myself reaching for a straight friend’s hand and have to stop myself—I don’t want them to think it means something. But the thing is, it does mean something. It means that I care. It means I want to feel close to them. It means I feel comfortable and connected to them, that I feel safe with them. And what could ever be wrong with that?
Simply kissing our friends more isn’t going to solve the problem.
But redefining what platonic intimacy looks like will go a long way in helping us all feel more connected.
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I’ll leave you with this poem from Lori Mathis, which has been circulating the inter-webs for a number of years, for good reason:
Kiss your friends’ face more / Destroy the belief that / Intimacy must be reserved for / Monogamous relationships / Be more loving / Embrace platonic intimacy / Embrace vulnerability / Use emotionality as a / Radical tactic against a / Society which teaches you / That emotions / Are a sign of weakness / Tell more people / You care about them / Hold their hands / Tell others you / Are proud of them / Offer support readily / Take care of the / People around you
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