PicoBlog

My relationship has been spiraling for a couple years now. Mostly emotional abuse, with some sexual coercion. Then we had a baby. He got really aggressive, and started saying things like, “I’ll kill you!” but of course then told me he was just mad and didn’t really mean it.

Well, earlier this week, he slapped me while I was holding our baby. I had been yelling at him about how little he has done to help me, and trying to talk to him about the role that plays in my postpartum depression. I left and went to stay with my parents.

Now he’s calling me every day, accusing me of “breaking up the family over an argument,” and telling me that I have pushed him to his breaking point. He’s not sorry. He won’t even admit what he did. And this has been the pattern with all of his abuse.

I keep reading about the cycle of abuse, and how men are remorseful after an act of abuse. We don’t have this cycle, which makes me wonder if it’s really abuse, or just really high conflict. Is it possible that he’s right, and that I’ve just pushed him too far? I’m sure everyone has a breaking point at which they snap.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Your partner is a piece of shit. That’s why he’s acting like a piece of shit. Because that’s what he is.

A person who abuses you is not a reliable authority on what you do and do not deserve, because literally no one deserves abuse. It’s probably true that everyone has a breaking point at which they might say or do things they regret. I want to be realistic here. But for normal people, that breaking point is when they are being abused. That’s why abuse victims sometimes hit back, or abused children may abandon their sick parents.

No one who is not abusive snaps and slaps a person who is pleading with them to do their fair share and support them in a mental health struggle. Normal men do not sexually coerce their partners, or emotionally abuse them, or do any of this shit, no matter what.

But your partner does. Because, and it bears repeating, he is an abusive piece of shit.

So why isn’t he apologizing?

It’s because he’s not sorry. He believes the abuse is justified. This tells you that he will absolutely not only remain abusive, but escalate the severity of the abuse, if you go back.

The cycle of abuse does usually include remorse, though the remorse is often fake. But as abusers get more comfortable, they no longer have to show remorse to lure their victims back. They’ve broken their victims down so much that they believe they deserve the maltreatment.

That is what’s happening here. Your partner doesn’t have to be sorry because he’s spent so long convincing you you deserve this. Emotional abuse almost always precedes physical violence, because emotional abuse makes it easier for the man to get away with physical violence.

Your partner is showing you that you are both very deep into the cycle of abuse, and that the danger to you and your child is extraordinarily high.

You are doing the right thing by getting out now. Leaving after the first episode of abuse makes it a lot easier to convince a court that you are a protective mother getting your children out of an abusive environment rather than claiming abuse to manipulate the system. Your child deserves better. Please stay gone.

You also need to talk to a lawyer, and initiate the legal process for seeking protection from him. In most places that’s via a protective order, but laws vary a lot. Please take action to get permanently safe today.

You will be on the other side of this someday, and you will know with certainty that you did the right thing by leaving. One day your child will know that you left to protect them, and that will matter, too.

You can do this.

ncG1vNJzZmiykay7b7%2FUm6qtmZOge6S7zGinaK%2BYrnqqv82tZKaxXZavtr%2FIr5xmoKWor6K6w2aqqKqirg%3D%3D