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Gabe “look at my tats and biceps and worship me” Kapler. It would be an exciting hire for the Cardinals. They would conquer the offseason rehab tour with a flashy managerial change-their second such swift change in three seasons. It would be like going into a restaurant and simply asking for what’s hot, instead of thinking about what your stomach really needs.

Do the Cardinals need Kapler? That’s a kinda, yes-ish sorta response, as in it’s going to take more time to explain. Let’s break it down into three categories, so all the writing consumers who crave structure will be happy: why they should, why they shouldn’t, and why they won’t hire Kapler.

The SHOULD part

He’s got three times the experience of your current manager, Oliver Marmol. Kapler must know how to manage a bullpen after six seasons and two teams, right? He won a Manager of The Year award for 2021, where Kapler’s Giants collected some playoff wins before being dusted off by Los Angeles.

Kapler has managed a team in two different divisions, spending two years with the fiery Phillies fan base and then 4 years with the “you’re not Bochy” San Francisco team. Along with his arms having their own muscled vein freeway, his skin must be made of leather by now.

He’s a YES… oh no he’s definitely not a Yes Man. This part will come back up later, but it’s important to note why I like this potential hire. Kapler gives off all the vibes of a man who does things his way, or a lot more of his own beat than Marmol, who looks more stranded on a shitty island than assured.

One run games. Before he was fired, Kapler guided his Giants to a .568 record in one run games. Marmol’s Cards carried a .39% success rate in close encounters. Kapler’s SF team went 31-16 in one-run contests. Improvement right there.

“THEY SHOULD” NOT SECTION

Kapler’s teams have made the playoffs once in his career. His 2023 team took a nosedive midway through the season, prompting his dismissal from the Giants.

Hiring him is a nice idea that doesn’t move the needle much. This team’s issue isn’t managerial at the moment. That’s for a team that didn’t finish with a 71-91 record. A manager pulls a certain amount of victories in, as in a game being directly decided by their actions. He does that without reaching the field, making his dent in close games. Kapler can’t push it that far without the immediate help of the front office.

It would be nice if some of this work was done already, even with a lost year. Sadly, John Mozeliak and company have to get to work, because they have a lot of it to do.

“THEY WON’T” SECTION

It’s simple. They won’t fire Marmol yet, and Kapler won’t be their robot. The Cardinals literally fired a guy who won Manager of the Year and pulled the team out of a shit ditch in Mike Shildt, all because he didn’t get in line with what they’re doing. Sorry, but the clubhouse friction or chaos Shildt supposedly caused rings false with the abruptness of his firing.

Mozeliak is committed to Marmol, because it would be a complete embarrassment to fire him now. An indictment of another failed experiment with a manager carrying zero MLB experience. Even though Kapler has six years of MLB managerial experience and rewarding qualities, his way would clash with the Cardinal Way, even though it’s tired and outdated.

Ben Cerutti from Birds on the Black had a fine idea in thinking Kapler would be a bench coach, but that’s assuming he doesn’t get another manager offer and he actually wants a step down position.

I’ll continue to think that Tony La Russa will be the last manager with actual MLB experience to manage a Mozeliak-crafted club. His ego has left the building.

BUT HERE’S THE REAL REASON THE CARDS SHOULD HIRE KAPLER:

It would please my wife. I don’t care if it matters little to your diehard tendencies with this talented but chaotically inept group of players. I don’t care about the wins gained or lost by his hire, or its effect on the sabermetrics that drive so many up or down the wall of baseball enchantment. It would simply engage my wife, who is a casual sports fan bless her heart, to watch more of the games without the phone narnia eye addiction that borders on “are we really watching fucking baseball again?!” detachment.

She would treat every Kapler pitching change or mound visit like the normal fan would an at-bat from Arenado or Goldschmidt. It would be like Big Mac walking to the plate in 1998-99 to her. She likes the game, but she loves Kapler’s muscles more. I get it; the man looks like a famous artist chiseled away the little bits of fat a man his age would ever dream of having. The stock broker energy voice and tattoos only make it harder to deny.

As a lifelong lover of the game who has given countless hours to composition of baseball commentary that borders on professional but kindly sticks mostly to a rebellious blogger mentality, it would be a win. A win for a husband. A win for a guy who accepts the things that he can’t change.

Fuck, let’s be honest. It would be a win for all the moms out there, and all the single ladies who need something else to go with their rabid infatuation with this beautiful game. Give the gift of Kapler to virtually every soul in St. Louis can benefit from this acquisition. Gabriel would add a few wins to the charts while charming the hearts of Cardinals fans everywhere.

In the end, when it comes down to it, the roster construction, more specifically the starting pitching acquired, will determine the turnaround timetable here, not a new manager. But a little Kapler goes a long way.

Have a nice evening and keep on rambling, even if it annoys the ones around you at times.

Photo credit: Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

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