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Why Women Nag... - by Dorothy Littell Greco

The nagging wife and other misogynistic tropes have existed long before the internet came into being.

One of the earliest references to nagging comes from the Old Testament book of Judges (written approx. 6th C BC) which reads, “Delilah pouted while saying, ‘How can you tell me, I love you when you don’t share your secrets with me? You’ve made fun of me three times now, and you still haven’t told me what makes you so strong!’ She tormented [Samson] with her nagging day after day until he was sick to death of it.” (If you’re not familiar with this story, you should know that Samson was revered for his physical strength, not his relational IQ.)

Fast forward eight thousand years. As I searched for a header image for this post, one of the largest stock agencies had 4200 images for nagging women—and less than 100 of nagging men (and almost all of the men simply looked angry).

Are we to believe that only women nag—or is something else going on here? Is this word one of many in the English language with demeaning overtones that perpetuates condescending ideologies toward women?

Almost every online definition reads along the lines of, “someone (especially a woman) who annoys people by constantly finding fault.” The word can be traced back to the German language where it meant to gnaw. Over centuries, it morphed to “a mare horse that is past its breeding years and moves slowly.” Synonyms in the verb form include to pester, annoy, badger, hen peck, and scold.

Based on the official definition, the word means to find fault repeatedly. But it has evolved with a derogatory, gender specific meaning.

In our lexicon, women—a subset of humans who apparently are more prone to this behavior (see definition above)—nag by reminding someone (primarily a member of the male subset) to finish a task that has been flagged and perhaps discussed ad nauseam—but never completed. Or maybe even started. The unfinished, incomplete state is important for the nagger. The nag does not have to be overtly critical in her tone or word choice for the naggee to feel criticized.

Men call women nags but rarely, if ever, other men, even though men engage in the same behaviors. My husband has never been referred to as a nag even though his paid work—pastoring and teaching middle and high school students—includes nagging as part of his job description. When men repeatedly remind someone (typically a woman) to finish a task, it’s a horse by another name. 😆 They are seen as persistent, determined, or focused. Why the difference?

Words often have layers of meaning. When a culture latches onto a word and makes it part of everyday life, it can quickly become shorthand for a way of thinking or doing. This can be helpful (e.g., google it to describe searching the internet for information) or divisive and harmful (think of the many offensive words used to describe women or People of Color). Gradually, the words—and beliefs about the words—become mainstream. Watch any sitcom, especially one that was produced in the 1950s or 60s, and you will repeatedly find references to nagging wives.

(Lucy nags Ricky to clean up.)

American culture has grown up since The Lucy Show. The media no longer perpetuates stereotypical gender roles, like men lounging on the couch as women do the invisible work of the second shift. Right? Maybe not. Just watch this four minute clip from the 2018 show, The Breakup, with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn.

“All you do is nag!” (Go to the 3:30 mark to catch the nagging reference.) It’s a painful scene, perhaps made more so by Gary flinging the word like an expletive at Aniston’s character.

As with many terms used to denigrate women, this one is loaded. Particularly as it pertains to sharing household responsibilities, which both of these clips happen to focus on.

According to Eve Rodsky, the author of Fair Play, women often become the “shefault for all the household tasks.” Statistics show that even when both members of a marriage are working, women tend to do significantly more of the second-shift work. Of course there are outliers who cheerfully roll up their sleeves to change diapers, load the dishwasher, and put the laundry away without being asked. Hat tip to all of you. And, for sure there are women who plop on the couch after work to play video games while their partners cook and clean up. (Though I personally don’t know any woman who does this.)

What might be going on when women behave in a fashion that could be perceived as nagging? I certainly don’t intend to speak for all women, though I am woman and have been for more than sixty years, so I think I’m qualified to weigh in. (And because I’m post menopausal and therefore past my breeding capacity, I guess I’m officially a nag.)

When anyone (male or female) has to repeatedly remind someone else—perhaps especially their romantic partner or their offspring—of a task that obviously needs to be done, but for whatever reason has not been done, isn’t it a given that the nagger might feel marginally irritated or frustrated and that might come through in their tone?

Perhaps, just perhaps, the nagger has named their need, asked for help, and tried—kindly and respectfully—to get their partner to not only care but take action. In such situations, when the one needing help or partnership is met with indifference, eye rolls, excuses, or push-back, turning up the heat emotionally and verbally might feel like the only option. There’s a lot of powerlessness for the one who needs help.

During my thirty-two-year marriage, I have primarily worked from home. I also have a high need for order. External messes make me feel internally disorganized. My husband, who is a wonderful, highly creative person in his own right, has a much higher threshold for mess. He also has an enviable ability to compartmentalize.

Many, many years ago, I remember huffily putting away the clothes that he left strewn across the bathroom. When I bent down to pick up one of his socks, I had a moment of clarity: Wait a minute. Why am I picking up his sock? It can stay right here in the middle of the room until we move or I die. I should have know how that was going to end. The brown sock remained there for weeks—until the shower overflowed on my watch and I had to clean the bathroom. I laughed as I recounted this to my beloved who, he insists, was utterly oblivious.

To the irritated naggees out there, I humbly offer two suggestions. First, start paying attention to your partner’s needs and then proactively meet them. If she (or he, if the roles are reversed), like Jennifer Aniston’s character, prefers to get the dishes done before going to bed, hold off on watching your show or playing video games or answering emails (totally guilty of stereotyping here) until after the dishes are washed. (Bonus points if you dry them and put them away.) If you’ve agreed to help clean the house over the weekend, don’t wait until Sunday night to do your share because by that point, she probably will have done it and will have nursed resentment for the past twenty-four hours. Often, partners share the same basic core values but experience different levels of urgency and therefore carry different expectations for when something should get done. And if you struggle to care about something your partner values, I might suggest making a few counseling appointments. (Like during your lunch break today.)

Second, if your partner behaves in a way that approximates nagging, understand that their goal is not to control you (assuming some level of emotional and relational health here) but to have partnership and a more equitable distribution of tasks. Instead of getting defensive or yelling, try this: “You sound upset/frustrated/hurt.” (Pretty much any empathetic adjective will work here.) “Is that connected to the fact that I never mowed the lawn last week/month/summer even though I said I would? I’m sorry. I guess I’ve been very distracted/tired/lazy.” (Pretty much any honest adjective will work here.) “I’ll go do it now.” If you are sincere and make good on your word, your partner will most likely no longer need to nag.

No one likes being nagged, no one likes needing to remind others to pitch in, and PSA—women do not like being referred to as nags or other over-bred mammals. Perhaps with a little self-awareness, some behavioral changes, and a commitment to not diminish women, we might retire this term, except when referring to elderly, four-legged farm animals.

Christie Applegate

Update: 2024-12-02

Why Women Nag... - by Dorothy Littell Greco

Christie Applegate

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