You Only Smile Like That When You're Drinking
“Rot gut whiskey's gonna ease my mind…”
Listening to the Zach Bryan song I Remember Everything there are a few lines that strike a cord with me. This song is about heartbreak, memories, and yes… drinking. Typical country song, right? The lyrics speaks to the complexities of drinking to escape, the haunting of trying to connect with someone who’s only physically present, and the nuance of a night out where one minute someone’s begging you to stay out with them and the next you get the cold shoulder.
The lyric that guts me every time though is “You only smile like that when you’re drinking.” This is a complicated line. When I initially heard it, I felt nostalgic for that smile. I remember it well. The feeling of a drink or two pumping through my system. The recognition that the night is young and the booze is flowing. The excitement of possibilities — anything could happen tonight. And the sharpness of silhouettes just on the cusp of blurring for the evening.
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Yes, I know that smile. I miss that feeling. But what was the smile about really? Is a night really all that fun when you are slowly fading into oblivion? Is it fair to call something fun at all when your body is swimming in artificial dopamine and your brain isn’t operating at full speed? How fun can something really be when you’re not fully present to embrace it?
The fun we have while drinking is contrived. Maybe what we are doing is already fun, or maybe it’s only the drinking that makes it feel fun at all. But needing alcohol to enhance our fun probably means it’s not all that fun to begin with.
And let’s dissect drinking fun for a moment, shall we? There’s the initial buzz — this is the fun part, am I right? You’re still conscious. Mostly in control. You have your faculties, your agency, and your brain is still running properly. Scientifically, this is when alcohol is invigorating our system with happy chemicals and it only lasts a short period. Before long the dopamine starts to dip back down and we either start to sober up or we reach for more to keep things going.
But it doesn’t feel the same, now does it? That second, third, fourth drink starts to slow our brains down. Thoughts, sights and sounds begin to fuzz around the edges. The dopamine never quite hits the same as that first time and the stimulant of alcohol depletes as the depressant side of the drug rolls up it’s sleeves. This is why after a few drinks people can start to get weepy or angry. Why you find women in the club bathroom bawling or couples starting to pick fights with each other.
“Strange words come on out of a grown man’s mind when his mind’s broke…:
Unlike the song’s title though, the truth is I don’t remember everything. Nights would fade into the blur of my lost mind and disconnected body. My head became a witches brew of drug-fueled mishmash, popping on and offline as it saw fit. When I see the old pictures of myself toasting the camera, or that smile I only made when I was drinking, now I play the tape all the way through. From the highest of highs to the low lows. Nights that would fade to darkness or with my check pressed to the cold tile of the bathroom floor.
And I remember, I remember everything.
Gosh I always love talking to my girls Leslie and Carolyn from Her View from Home, so being on their podcast So God Made a Mother was a no-brainer. You’ll love this interview.
Check out my interview on the Empowered Relationship Podcast where we talk about navigating your relationship when one person quits drinking.
File this under random musings that I don’t expect to go viral, and next thing I know Scary Mommy writes an entire piece on it.
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